A Child's Take On "Cops"

We were flipping channels and somehow we ended up landing on an episode of "Cops". Not normally a show we watch, but whatever.

So, the brave men & women of law enforcement tackled one of the bad boys and started emptying his pockets. They found a wallet, some glasses, a knife, a pill bottle, etc. They cuffed him & started questioning the neighbors.

All of a sudden, Emmit says, "So that's the guy who's been throwing all that stuff on the ground at Wal-mart!"

And as we're cackling about that, Evie says, "Well, he needs to take his medicine."

We've decided to pay more attention to what's on TV when we're channel surfing.

A Pack Rat On The Loose!

Those of you who've seen Evie in person in the past few months know she's developed a little problem...she's a pack rat! She always has a purse or bag full of stuff, her arms loaded down, or her pockets are full. Going places with her is a challenge. It takes forever for her to 'pack' and then you have to bargain with her about what she can/can't take inside with her.

Well, she also has this same habit at bedtime. U.D.B.D. (the doll) is a given, as is 'Booty's bwanket & her bottle.' But during the night, Evie tends to get up to search for stuff to add to her midden (that's a pack rat's nest...yes, I googled. LOL!).

Last night was the best...er, worst. We were up in the living room when we heard the little rat's scratching begin. We knew what she was doing, so didn't disturb, as that would lead to tears. By the time we got ready to go to bed, our little rat was sound asleep in the midst of her treasure.

Here's what she had (going strictly from memory):
-UDBD, who had been undressed, diapered, and redressed.
-Booty's car seat (although she was not properly secured)
-Lily, the Cabbage Patch newborn (buck-naked, I might add)
-a baby doll sling (disassembled)
-Winnie the Pooh (stuffed)
-2 books (Goodnight Moon & some boy potty-training book)
-a jacket & its hanger
-a spare hanger (you know...just in case)
-2 pairs of baby leggings
-a Peek-a-blocks caterpillar thing
-an extra blanket & pillow
-a lone shoe

Oh, and she was was wearing her Dora slippers.

All of this plus Evie in a toddler bed!

That Did NOT Just Happen!

Evie got upset because she couldn't find her baby doll, so I told her to come sit on my lap (what's left of it). She climbed up, sobbed for a few minutes, and I could feel her getting still.

She got heavier and heavier. And then...









SHE PEED ON ME!

She was sound asleep, her undies & pants soaked, my pants soaked, the couch soaked, and the baby was trying to kick her off. And
I couldn't get up with her on me, but I couldn't put her down without getting another couch cushion wet. So, I asked Emmit to go get a towel. Yeah...he started fake snoring & telling me he was too tired to get up.

Times like this make me wish I had go-go-Gadget arms (one to slap Emmit & one to get my own damn towel).

I had to call Nathan (thank goodness the phone was right there) to get him to tell Emmit to go get the towel!

A Recipe For Disaster

Two nights ago, we were having spaghetti for dinner. When it came time to drain it, I reached in the cabinet to grab a colander & it wasn't there. I searched all of the cabinets & the dishwasher with no luck. I figured the kids had taken it in a bedroom to play or something, so I just grabbed the other one & drained the pasta.

Yesterday, Nathan was in charge of making breakfast...crescent rolls from a can. YUM!

He turned on the oven & got the crescents all ready to go in. The oven beeped to let him know it was preheated. When he opened it, smoke came billowing out, along with the stench of melted plastic.

Emmit ratted himself out by saying, "Oh, are my cookies ready?" Yeah...there was cookie dough in the colander!

What's This On My Cereal?

After the kids & I came inside from playing today, everyone wanted a snack. When I asked what, they both said cereal. Okay...2 choices: Frosted Mini-wheats or Rice Chex.

Both chose Rice Chex. Being the wonderful mother that I am, I sprinkled a little sugar on top for them (and on top of mine too), and put their bowls on the table. They both started chowing down!

Emmit was about halfway through his bowl, and he said, "Momma, why doesn't mine have more candy salt on it?"

{snicker}

Attack Of The Marshmallow Man

Yesterday morning, we think Nathan's alarm clock woke Emmit up, but, he's sneaky, so we didn't hear him get up. A little while later, Emmit was standing by my bed saying "Momma, I don't feel good. My tummy hurts!" Immediately, I sent him to the bathroom. Little dude wasn't going to puke on my carpet.

So, I rolled out of bed and walked in his bathroom to check on him. He was just standing there, holding his stomach. I asked if he was okay and he said, "I think I need to take a shower." It didn't strike me as strange at the time because if he ever does get sick, I let him take a shower when he's done (b/c showers make everything better, right?).

Well, while I was waiting to see if he was going to puke, I turned around and looked down the hallway. I noticed the living room looked unusually bright. So, I walked to see what was going on. I saw Mattie's dog food bucket sitting in the middle of the kitchen (which means someone was in the pantry) and a cabinet door open. I immediately knew Emmit had been into something.

So, I storm back to the bathroom & ask "What did you eat?" to which my little man responds, "Marshmallows". Marshmallows? It's 7:30 in the morning & he's been up eating marshmallows! No wonder his stomach hurts!

I asked how many he ate, to which I get, "Just 4" (while he's holding up 5 fingers). I said, "Get in the bed and go back to sleep." He started crying again and said, "But I'm all sticky." UGH! Yeah...that's why he wanted a shower! He wanted to wash away the evidence!

Later when we got up for the day, I found the bag of marshmallows laying on the couch. Let me just say...he ate way more than 4!

Ramblings Of An Insane Pregnant Lady

After watching Grey's (thanks DVR), I settled into bed hoping for some sweet McDreamy dreams. Yeah...right. Instead, I get a raging case of heartburn. 45 minutes later, I've hit my daily quota of Tums & I'm still laying there trying to get to sleep.

And then I say to myself, "Self, you've got three choices. You can either (a) lie here & be miserable, (b) go do something constructive, like clean the bathrooms, or (c) go get online."

Well, I'm sure you all are guessing "C", right? Nope...at 12:45AM, I found myself standing in the bathroom admiring the micro-lock fibers on the back of my Lysol wipe.

Now, some may say, "Aww....you're nesting." Yeah...nesting...you know, like a momma bird getting the nest ready for babies. Um, no. This kid isn't going to be using that bathroom when he/she gets here.

You know what it is...

INSANITY! I think I'm losing my mind. What sane person crawls out of a nice warm bed to scrub not one, but two toilets? I even cleaned the mirrors for crying out loud! And I scrubbed dried-up toothpaste out of the sinks (okay, I admit...my sink was the worst).

Oh, and just so you know...the sound of a plastic dustpan hitting ceramic tile at 1AM creates enough noise to send a sleeping 4 year old into hysterics.

Horrible Mommy Moment

We all know that 2 year olds can throw tantrums...mean ones! So, when Evie started crying because she didn't get the sippy cup that she wanted, I left her to throw her tantrum in the kitchen.

Flash forward 5 minutes...Evie was standing in the exact same spot, crying the exact same amount. The tone hadn't changed; the volume hadn't changed...nothing. Same cry.

So, I got up and walked in there only to find that the child is STUCK! Stuck by the HAIR in a cabinet hinge! OMG!

Guilt hit me almost immediately. When I got her free (minus a chunk of hair), she said, "Momma, it bited my hair!"



Poor kid probably has a huge bald spot now!

The What?

Emmit had a soccer game this morning. Since it was an early game, we had lots of choices for parking.

As we pulled into our spot right in front of the port-a-potty, Emmit says cheerfully, "Look! We're parking right by the pee-pee house".

A Boy And His Flashlight

Here we sit in the dark for no apparent reason. The power is out. Thank you, DIMco. Emmit was in his bed, watching his nightly show when it went out. You should have heard the screaming!

So, Nathan stumbled in the dark back to get him & brought him in the living room. I fumbled around and found a flashlight & some matches to light a candle or two.

And then my chili dogs kicked in. Hey, I'm 24.5 weeks pregnant & ate chili dogs. When you've got to go, you've gotta go. So, I headed to the bathroom. And of course, while I'm in there, Nathan has to go too. That would leave Emmit...alone...with nothing but a flashlight.

As I'm taking care of business, I hear Emmit just outside the door. I can see the flashlight beam zooming around and around, and this little chant: "I'm trying to be brave! I'm trying to be brave!"

What Color Is This One?

So, Evie is not very good with her colors. Everything is blue. EVERYTHING! And she's a pretty convincing little girl. Sometimes I think I may be color blind.

So, we're sitting outside with a box of 24 crayons. She keeps asking "What color this one?" She definitely has blue down. So, I'm going through each color, telling her what they are & she repeats.

All of a sudden, she says "EWW! I got a dirty one" as she pulls a color from the box.

Yeah...BROWN!

What's Crackin'?

Monday night, we all sat down for dinner. Emmit ate and got up to go do something. I told him to come back to the table. When he sat down, we heard a loud CRUNCH!

I said, "OMG! What was that?"

Emmit says, very nonchalantly, "Oh, that was the egg in my pocket", and pulls a crushed, dripping egg out of his pants!

Reminisicing

The kids just found a big stack of pics on the computer desk. I told them they could look through them and see who/what they could find. They are having a blast.

All of a sudden, Emmit comes running up to me, clutching a picture from his 2nd visit with Santa. He said, "Momma, look! Oh my gosh! Look how little I was...and look how OLD Santa was."

Are They Laughing AT Me Or WITH Me?

I took the kidlets to Wal-mart today to pick up a few things.

We were in the fabric department & Evie said she needed to go potty. So, we went to the bathroom in the back (it's right there) and squeezed into one stall (no small feat for a pregnant chick & two kids). I fussed at Emmit to stop picking his nose, and he says (loudly), "I'm gonna keep picking my nose, and I'm gonna eat my boogers!"

I thought the lady in the stall next to us was going to die laughing.

So, then we exit the bathroom (head hung in shame) and go back to fabric to get some thread. Well, there were two ladies (I'm guessing mom & daughter) standing there looking, so we waited for a second. All of a sudden, Emmit says, "Mom, my penis is empty. I think I need something to drink so I can fill it back up!" I wish you could have seen their faces!

Another Installment Of "When Good Outfits Go Bad"

I got Evie all dressed & ready for the day. Cute little track suit with a t-shirt underneath.

While I was putting away some stuff in her room, she & Emmit found a few dress-up things. Her outfit went from good to bad in a matter of seconds....

On top, our model is wearing a backwards purple tank with a stunning pink & purple tutu. On the bottom, a pair of boy underwear (2 sizes too big) and a princess dress (top strategically tucked so that it looks like a skirt). The ensemble is finished off with gloves & a headband, both of which go with a Cinderella Halloween costume.

The only thing missing is a pair of cha-cha shoes!

And The Award For Procrastinator Of The Year Goes To...

Nathan!

Congrats! Come pick up your award...later

The kids and I needed to go to Walmart. Well, since the power had been going off & on, I decided that I wouldn't do the very top deadbolt strap on the front door in case the power was out when we got home (b/c the garage door won't work if there's no power). So, I locked the lock on the knob and the lower deadbolt on the front door, all three locks on the back door, and just the bottom lock on the door that leads in from the garage.

Well, sure enough, I got home & the power's out. So, I unloaded the kids & the stuff I bought and went to the front door. Get the bottom lock unlocked and then my key wouldn't go all the way in the deadbolt. WTF? I tried & tried and couldn't get it in.

So, I called Nathan and say "WTH is wrong with the deadbolt on the front door? I can't get my key in it!"

He says, "Oh, it needs some WD40 squirted in it. It started that right after the hurricane. I've been meaning to do it."

I said, "Oh, you've been meaning to for a week & a half, and just haven't gotten around to it, huh? Where's the WD40?"

DH says, "Um, in the garage, I think."

So, there I stood with 3 bags , 2 hungry kids, and no way inside.

I loaded the kids back into the van, leaving 2 of my 3 bags beside the door (if anyone wants to steal laundry detergent & night diapers, go right ahead), and I drove to the Dollar Store. Guess what? Yeah...they didn't have power either!

So, I ended up at the grocery store (no way was I going back to WM) where I had to pay $5 for a can of WD40 that I need one squirt out of!

Don't Go There

A few weeks ago on our way to the vet's office Emmit spotted a local cemetery and exclaimed, "I want to go there!" Of course, he had no idea what it actually is and just thought it was a park with pretty flowers.

I tried to explain that he didn't really want to go there and why people do go there. He continued to argue, so I left it alone.

Well, last night on our way home from soccer practice, we passed by the same cemetery. Emmit saw it and said, "You don't want to go there. If you do, you'll turn into flowers!"

Prepare To Meet Mr. Angry Feet

Yesterday at breakfast, Emmit must have been sitting on his foot. So, when he got up, his foot was asleep. He started moaning, saying, "Momma, I think my foot must be broken. You'll have to carry me."

I told him I couldn't carry him and that he'd have to stay put for a second until he could feel his foot again.

A few seconds later, his foot must have started tingling because he screamed, "OH! Now my foot feels ANGRY!"

We put Evie to bed last night and after about an hour, she came walking down the hall. When I tried to send her back to bed, she came up with an excuse..."I need potty".

So, she just made herself comfortable...
And then she must have found a good sale b/c she said "Wook, Momma! Butter!"

World's Worst Knock-Knock Joke

As told by Evie:

Evie: "Knock-knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Evie: "Ban-nah".
Me: "Banana, who?"
Evie: "Don't cry."

One For Harry Potter Fans

Sunday was the premier of "Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire" on ABC Family. Before it came on, they played the first 3 movies. Emmit is terrified of HP, but decided he'd watch parts with Nathan & me. I honestly didn't think he was paying much attention...until the end of movie 2 (The Chamber Of Secrets). He was enthralled with the giant spiders and then with the big snake!

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, we were getting ready to go outside and play. I was walking looking for where I kicked off my flip flops last, and WHAM! I hit my big toe on the postal scale, which, for some odd reason, was sitting in the middle of the dining room floor.

It hurt so bad that I had tears in my eyes. This big red lump swells up on the top of my big toe, and I said to Emmit, "LOOK! I hurt my toe on the scale. Why did you leave it on the floor?"

He studies my bump for a moment, and then says, "I'll spit on it for you!"

Confused, I start giggling, and say, "Why the hell would I want you to spit on my toe? What good is that going to do?"

He looks at me and says, "It'll make it better. You know...like when that owl spit on Harry Potter and made his arm better."

LOL!

Close, pal. But that was a phoenix & those were tears. Totally not a spitting owl!

What's The Opposite

This morning, we woke up to Emmit in our bed...as usual. Then Evie joined us. We were all just laying there, and I decided to get Emmit to count for us. He counted all kinds of stuff...eyes, ears, fingers, knees, etc. Then Nathan decided to see if he could point on tallest, shortest, biggest, smallest. So, we did that for a while.

Then I decided to see if he knew more opposites. We went over some: hot/cold, on/off, up/down, big/small, in/out, etc. And then it was his turn.

I asked, "What's the opposite of on?"

{blank stare}

So, we said, "If the light's not on, it's..."

Emmit finished, "the battery is dead."

And we broke in belly laughs!

Then we said, "If the door's not open..."

Emmit finished, "it'll let the bugs in."

Yeah...he doesn't quite get it!

He's Still Got It!

Last night, we were driving to everyone's favorite toy store in search of free Thomas trains (yeah...they were out). We stopped at a red light, and Emmit saw a car on the cross street with its front window rolled down. He says, "Ooo, he's wasting ewectricity!"

LMAO! I guess he does listen when we tell him to close the door or to turn the TV off!

And then flash-forward an hour to the restaurant. We're sitting ever so patiently waiting for them to bring our food out, which BTW took FOREVER!

Emmit leaned back in his chair and started squinting his eyes. I didn't know what the hell he was doing until he said "Momma, do your eyes like this and look at the light. It has lines on it!" LMAO!

Holy Moly! Momma Needs To Blog!

I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged!

First, let's catch up!

We got a bit of a surprise a few weeks ago. e3 is on the way! Okay, well, I wasn't really surprise. The constant state of nausea & weird-ass dreams kinda gave me a heads up before I actually peed on the stick. Anyway, we're all really excited about the pregnancy & upcoming arrival!

What else? Oh, I started sewing again. Now that I'm not on my crazy head meds, I'm not nearly as scared that I'll sew my finger. Hey, that stuff really screws with a person. It's not called Dope-a-max for nothin'! I'm making pillowcase dresses, mostly for Evie, but occasionally I guess I could do a special request. I'm also about to start sewing diapers for e3!

Emmit is still up to his antics. He is perhaps the funniest child I've ever been around. He says that when he's 5, he'll be all "growed up". And his favorite thing to say seems to be "I'm growing up too too fast." You know, when he's 5, he's going to be able to play with his wooden train track (which some mean witch took because she was tired of putting the damn thing back together for him), sleep on the top bunk, drive a car, use the screwdriver, and, the latest, dig a whole in the ground to see if he can find water!

We banned a certain, previously loved cartoon in this house. You know...the one about the yellow talking, porous, cleaning device. Yeah...that one.

Today, Emmit found a toothbrush holder made out of material with said cartoon freak on it, and said "Yeah...we don't watch this anymore. Momma do you like Spongebob?". I replied that I didn't not like him and that's why we don't watch it anymore. Then he says, "Oh, so you like Pacrick (Patrick)". I said, "No, I do not like Patrick either." And then he says, "Well, what about Plankton or Sandy?" I said, "Nope...don't like Plankton or Sandy either" to which he replies, "BUT MOM! SANDY IS A SQUIRREL!" Oh, yeah...like that makes all the difference!

Evie has been moved from her crib (a.k.a. "bebe bed") into the toddler bed. Last week, I had set the toddler bed back up in her room, and we made it up with her new bedding. She decided that she liked to sit on it, but not lay in it. So, at naptime, into the crib she went. Well, when I went to get her out, she said, "Momma, I stuck." Stuck was an understatement.

That fat little leg was WEDGED so tightly, it wasn't moving! I immediately sent Emmit for lotion to try to grease her out of there, but it only made her leg move up and down. Great, except it needed to move OUT! So, after a few semi-panicked phone calls, light dawned on marble head...make her turn to the side, moron!

So, I got her to lay down on her side, which, in turn, made her leg turn a bit. A quick tug (and a few tears) and her leg was free. Well, free of the crib, but not free of two gigantic red marks!

After that, going back in the crib wasn't exactly what she wanted to do. She chooses the "big girl bed" now!

Please Make Checks Payable To...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/05/09/mom.salary.ap/

"If a stay-at-home mom could be compensated in dollars rather than personal satisfaction and unconditional love, she'd rake in a nifty sum of nearly $117,000 a year.

That's according to a pre-Mother's Day study released in May by Salary.com, a Waltham, Massachusetts-based firm that studies workplace compensation.

The eighth annual survey calculated a mom's market value by studying pay levels for 10 job titles with duties that a typical mom performs, ranging from housekeeper and day care center teacher to van driver, psychologist and chief executive officer.

This year, the annual salary for a stay-at-home mom would be $116,805, while a working mom who also juggles an outside job would get $68,405 for her motherly duties."

See, I'm Not Crazy. Group Calling For Ban On Artifical Dyes

Some people thought we were nuts when we decided to eliminate some artificial dyes from the diets of our kidlets. We did the research and yes, it has made a big difference in Emmit's behavior.

Well, tonight, I found this story on ABC.com! The Center for Science in the Public Interest called on the FDA to ban artificial dyes in all U.S. foods!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=4988343&page=1

Growing Up

Today, we had to run to Dollar General to get some cough medicine for me. On the way, Emmit was running his mouth (as usual). The conversations we have in the van are usually quite amusing. Today's went something like this:

Emmit: "Where are we going?"

me: "To get me some cough medicine. I need cough medicine for big people, not for little kids."

Emmit: "When I grow up, can I take big people medicine?"

me: "Yes, if you are sick."

Emmit: "Am I big enough to drive Daddy's truck yet?"

me: "No, not quite. You have a few more years before you are ready to drive."

Emmit: "How many?"

me: "Oh, about 12."

Emmit: "Man, I'm growing up too fast."

The Latest From Emmit

Just wanted to share of a few of the latest funnies from Emmit:

-Last night, we went to eat at Cane's. Emmit & Evie had to share a piece of bread, and when Emmit finished his, he asked Evie if he could have hers. Well, of course, she said "NO!" even though she hadn't touched it in the 10 minutes we had been sitting there. So, I handed him the half I had left. guess he saw that I had none left, so he broke his new half in half, handed one piece to me, and gave me a little wink!

-Today, we were driving to pick Nathan up so he could ride with us to my doctor's appointment. On the way there, we saw a white van that must have reminded Emmit of the ice cream truck. He looked at it for a second and then said, "Momma, when I grow up, can I drive the ice cream truck?"

Kids These Days

We have two laptops that stay in the living room. The kids don't usually mess with them.

Well, just a few minutes ago, Evie grabbed the one I'm not using & climbed up on the couch. I went to grab it from her, and she started fighting & screaming...

"NO! It's my dot com!"

Can Those Be Recycled?

So, we recently got into hardcore recycling. We've managed to get our 4 weekly bags of garbage down to 1-1.5. Emmit is an awesome little recycler! He even stopped in the parking lot at Walmart yesterday to pick up a plastic bag to take inside to the bin. I was such a proud momma!

Today, I put Evie down for her nap, and Emmit & I were cleaning the living room so we could play a video game (he loves the Wii). He thought he was finished, but I made him go pick up something else, and it made him mad. All of sudden he said, "I'm gonna recycle you so I can get a new momma." And then he just started giggling and wouldn't stop! The little butthead!

Evie & the hummus

Saturday night, Nathan & I were watching this show on Food Network about food at baseball stadiums. At one, it showed that they serve hummus & chips instead of nachos. I mentioned that I'd like to try hummus because a lot of people say it's a good healthy snack. Nathan said he's had it before & it's okay, and that he's seen it at Target in the deli sold with pita bread. So, I said I'd pick some up the next time we were there.

So, Sunday, we went to Target, and on our way up to the register, we remember to stop by the deli. We looked around and couldn't find it. So, we walked over to the produce department where they have tofu & found little snack packs of hummus w/pretzels. I got a pack of that, and we checked out. Then we went to the snack bar to get a everyone an afternoon snack.

So, we sat down and everyone was eating their hot pretzel (chocolate chip), and I opened the hummus to try it (my verdict: it must be an acquired taste; not bad, but not my favorite.)

Emmit saw me dipping the pretzel and asked to try it. So, I gave him one with a little on it. He made a face & said it was hot.

Then comes Evie. I scooped up some on a pretzel & handed it to her. She started licking it off. No face or anything. I was thinking, "Oh, she likes it!" On the third lick, the flavor must of hit her. She dropped the pretzel, grabbed her big chocolate chip pretzel & started wiping her tongue off with it!

In Case You Were Wondering Where God Lives...

You can all stop searching! A fellow March '04 mommy has found God for us!

"Our Father, who art in Wichita."

Just Gonna Shake My Head & Post This One...

Said as Emmit was changing out of wet clothes into dry undies & shorts:

"I need to hurry or people will see my naked ass and giggle."

Ask The Expert: Where Do Babies Come From?

Emmit is OBSESSED with babies! He keeps saying we need another one (no comment). So, we've talked a lot about how babies get here, but didn't really think he paid that much attention. Apparently we were wrong.

This past weekend, we had another conversation about babies, and it went a little something like this:

Emmit: We need another baby!

{daddy swerves into oncoming traffic}

momma: Where would we get another baby?

Emmit: Out of your tummy!

momma: Well, there's no baby in my tummy!

Emmit: {rolls eyes} I know. We need to go to the baby center, and they'll put one in. And then it grows & grows. And then you go to the hospital & the doctor will take it out.

momma: Oh! Well, do you know how the doctor gets the baby out?

Emmit: Yeah. It comes out of your bagina.

{momma chokes & daddy swerves into oncoming traffic again}

momma: Oh, okay. {changes subject}

Flash forward to tonight & the subject gets back on babies. I ask if he wants a boy or girl, and he says a girl. Then I ask who has the baby...the momma or the daddy.

He doesn't even have to think about it. He says, "Mommas, silly!"

So, I ask, "Why can't daddy's have babies?", totally expecting to get a gross anatomy lesson.

He says, "Because daddy's have hair on their bellies and it's GROSS!"

I Told You She Was Funny Too!

Emmit recently discovered that he likes to eat uncooked spaghetti. Talk about al dente! Totally grosses me out, but whatever.

Well, today, he grabbed a handful and decided to be nice & share with Evie.

She took a big bite, smiled, and said, "Mmmm...toasty."

If you think she's seen the Quizno's commercial one too many times, raise your hand!

Can You Name That Band?

We try to expose the kids to all types of music. I grew up listening to every kind of music, and I think it's important. I don't let them listen to music that's full of cursing, but I don't change the radio station constantly and I'm certainly not going to listen to kiddie music all day.

Often times I mention a particual group's name when a song comes on. One evening, I did this in a restaurant's restroom as I was changing Evie. Later in the car, we hear another song by this same group, and I mentioned it again. So now, I make sure I mention it everytime we hear one of their songs.

Yesterday, as we were driving to Home Depot, Emmit said, "Man, I hope the Hot Chili Dogs come on".

Close, pal.

Can you name that band? LMAO!

Ten Bucks Says You Can't Guess Where UDBD Was At Bedtime!

First, in case you don’t know who U.D.B.D. (pronounced oo-dee-boo-dee) is, let me tell you. She’s Evie’s "Ugly Dirty Baby Doll" who gets carried everywhere. Santa brought her to live at Mad House in Decemeber. Evie didn’t like her at first, but after a few weeks, she started carrying her everywhere, including the yard, the park, the store, her bithday party, the dining table, etc.

Suffice it to say, U.D.B.D. (Evie calls her "Booty") is quite gross. I occasionally sneak up behind her unexectedly, put a pillow over her head like a kidnapper, and throw her in the washing machine.

Anyway, Evie doesn’t like to sleep without this disgusting heap of stuffing & plastic. So, last night, as I threw little Miss E in her crib last night, she started asking for her Booty. "Where my Booty?" So, I told her to lay still and I’d go find U.D.B.D.

Commence the search party. I enlisted both Big Daddy and E-man as helpers, and we searched the kitchen, dining room, living room, foyer, Emmit’s room, both bathrooms, master bedroom, Evie’s room, laundry room...no U.D.B.D.

This whole time, Evie is in her crib, calling "Booty, where are you?" or "Booty, come here!" So, I went in, got her out, and told her to go find Booty. So, little Miss E joins in the search. She looks everywhere, calling for Booty the whole time.

We searched EVERYWHERE we could think of. Under couch cushions, in cabinets, in garbage cans, in laundry baskets, in toy boxes, under beds, under tables, in drawers (Emmit even checked the junk drawer).

Can anyone guess where U.D.B.D was?

Anyone?

Come on?

Nathan found her...

Not sure why he even thought to look there...

Still can’t guess?

She was zipped up in the laptop case.

Cloud Maker

Driving along to Grandma & Paw-paw’s house, we pass a wood-chip plant (or so my husband says it is). This plant has four huge smoke stacks, and when we passed early Saturday morning, all four stacks were billowing.

Emmit was staring out the window & noticed the smoke plumes, and exclaimed, "LOOK! They are putting up clouds!"

Earning Her Keep

I try to make my bed before my little helper wakes up in the morning, but this morning, I slept late because I was up and down with Emmit quite a bit last night. So this morning, Evie was up when I was making the bed.

As I was trying to arrange the pillows just so on the bed (hey, it’s new...it needs to look perfect for a little while), Evie started BANGING on the keyboard on the computer.

I turned around and said, "Evie, you better stop that!"

She looked at me, oh so seriously, and said, "No, Momma! I working!"

Real Men Take Pink Showers!

They’ve been cleaning out the pond behind our house that was overrun with some sort of plant. Well, my husband was kind enough to warn me that this cleaning may scare up a few snakes. I’m not stupid; I’ve seen snakes. So, I decided to keep the kids indoors Monday instead of risking coming across a snake in the backyard. We’ve already seen that Evie isn’t scared of a dead one, so I’m not sure if she’d be scared of a live one.

Well, I forgot about April Fool’s day. Most days I don’t even remember what day it is, much less the date! Shit, I can’t even remember to take two pills by myself without having a damn calender on the fridge, and even then I still forget them. So, of course, anyone would be able to pull one over on me.

Enter Nathan and his April Fool’s phone call:

Him: "Hey, I told you them cleaning the pond was gonna scare all the snakes in the yard. There was a big one in the front yard this morning!"

Me: "Really?"

Him: "Yeah! It was big!"

Me: "Ew! What did you do?"

Him: "Well, I killed it...duh."

Me: "How? What did you do with it?"

Him: "With a shovel. And then I threw it in the pond."

Me: "Yuck! How big was it?"

Him: "I don’t know. Maybe 4 or 5 feet. I think it was a water moccasin."

Me: "Ew...where was it?"

Him: "Laying by the garden gnome."

Me: "Oh fabulous. Now I won’t even be able to walk out the front door!"

Him: ::giggle:: "April Fool’s"

Me: "Oh, you asshole! That’s not even funny!"

So, all day long I was pissed that a) he got me, and b) I couldn’t think of a way to get him. Last year all of these women online had all of these ideas on how to prank their husbands and I thought that they were so cruel. But as the day wore on, one idea kept seeming better and better.

And as I was talking to Whitney on the phone, the idea seemed perfect. I ran it by her, and she agreed!

So, after a quick phone call to Rudy-to-the-Rescue (thanks dad), I gathered my supples: a step ladder, a pipe wrench, and one hot pink Easter egg dye tablet. Then I headed to the scene of the crime: the master bathroom shower stall!

I locked myself in there because I knew that Emmit would tell on me. I can just hear it now: "Daddy, mommy took the shower apart!" So, after a little cussing, I finally got the shower head off and dropped my hot pink Easter egg dye tablet in! Then I reassemble, wiped up any evidence, and put my tools away.

Then I just sat and waited! After the new picnic table was assembled & the plywood was laid in the attic, I was certain he’d need a shower before bed!

Sure enough, at 11 PM, he headed for the bathroom, and I stood in wait, giggling outside the bathroom door. It didn’t go off exactly as planned (I hoped it wouldn’t dissolve until he got IN the shower, but apparently there was water in the shower head that I forgot to dump), but he still got a shock! When he turned on the knob, PINK WATER came shooting out at him. I heard "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?"

April Fool’s to you too, asshole!

Emmit-speak

They aren’t called "Peeps", they are "squeakers".

They aren’t called "ear plugs", they are "ear GLOVES".

And we’re not sure where he heard it, but he looked at Evie and threatened to "roll you like a corndog."

I Couldn't Make This One Up (Best Emmit-ism EVER!)

This morning, I got the kids ready to go to the grocery store and went into the bathroom to get myself ready.

As I was brushing my teeth, Emmit came in with a small red plastic coat hanger in his mouth. Before I could fuss at him to take it out, he looked at me and said...

"LOOK, MOMMA! I’M A HOOKER!"

Houston, We Have A Problem!

We bought Evie a potty in November hoping to jumpstart the PLing. Well, she briefly showed interest & that fizzled quickly. The potty gets carted all around & used as a hat, step stool, baby seat, and has even been used as an easel. But it’s never been used as a potty.

Last night, after a shower, Evie was running around naked, and I decided to see if she’d give the potty a try. I asked if she needed to pee, and she said yes. I expected her to walk up to the potty, turn, and sit. I quickly realized we may have a bit of a problem...

Yeah...how do you explain to a 2 year old that she can’t stand to pee like her big brother?

Growing Up Way Too Fast...Then Again, Maybe Not

After a hard day of playing, we were enjoying a quiet dinner at home. We never really have trouble finding interesting topics to discuss, and today was no different. We talked about all of the fun we had playing outside, and then the talk turned to birthdays, as today is an aunt’s birthday.

We started discussing how old Emmit would be next year, as he’s already celebrated his 4th birthday this year. And then we ask him what he wants to be when he grows up.

Emmit thinks for a second & says, "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Of course, Mommy’s heart swells with pride! What mother wouldn’t be proud of that?

Then, I’m quickly snapped out of my blissful flash-forward & reminded that he is only 4 when he says, "Or I could be a starfish...or a waffle."

4 Years Old & Has A Solution For Everything

Last night, we were discussing the Easter Bunny with Emmit. We were telling him that TEB was going to come & leave a basket of goodies and hide our eggs in the backyard. I explained that we were going to leave our dyed eggs in the refrigerator, and TEB would get them out, take them outside & hide them.

Emmit didn’t miss a beat...

"The Easter Bunny is too short to open the refrigerator. But we can just leave him a ladder."

Yeah...so we had to leave a step ladder for TEB.

This Kid Keep Me Laughing

As we were driving to get Nathan earlier today, Emmit was talking about his little cousin, Christian. He’s been going on & on about him for the past few days.

So, then he starts with the "Momma, when I was little..." (like it was so long ago). He talked about where he slept, where he sat, etc. Then...

"Momma, when I was little, did I drink milk from your boobies?"

"Yes, you drank milk from my boobies & from a bottle. So did Evie."

He says, "Ah...good times!"

I Have A Real Name!

Last night, we went out to dinner at an adult restaurant. You know, one where they give you cloth napkins & glasses instead of paper napkins & cups with lids?

So, about halfway through the meal, the waiter came up and asked if I’d like a refill. I told him yes, and he walked away.

Emmit said, "Momma, that guy said your name!" all impressed.

I said, "Who said my name?" looking around the restaurant wondering who in Baton Rouge would have said my name.

Emmit was pointing off into nowhere, so I tried to brush him off and enjoy my dinner.

He’s a persistant little booger though and kept it up.

"He really said your name. He did!"

"Well, I didn’t hear him. He doesn’t know my name."

"I heard him! He said it!"

"Emmit, no he didn’t. Just hush and finish eating."

So, the waiter returns and fills my glass, and says, "Here you go, ma’am."

Emmit puts his little hand beside his mouth like he’s telling me a secret and says, "See, he called you momma!".

Lincoln Logs

Emmit got some Lincoln Logs for his birthday (thanks Aunt Chanda...I’ll kick your ass after the baby comes). So, when we got home, he said he wanted to play with his new "beat up toys", which one can only assume came from him hearing me threaten to kick my sister-in-law’s ass when I saw them.

Anyway, after explaining that he could only play with them in one area and that he had to pick them all up when he was done for fear that the dog would turn them into chew toys (she has a thing for wood...pencils, clothespins, etc.), he turned to Mattie, and said firmly, "These are not snacks."

So, he sat down & dumped his bucket on the floor...all 100 pieces. His little face dropped when he saw the mound in front of him, and he quickly said, "Momma, I need the "ra-rections". So, being the let-him-figure-it-out-on-his-own kind of mother that I am, I handed him the paper, and walked out of the room for a few minutes.

He sat there quietly, and then I hear:

"Momma, I can’t put this together!"

I call back, "Why not, Bubba?"

He says, "Because there aren’t any screws!"

The First Blog Since I Got Old

Yep, it's official...I'm old. It happened Sunday. I woke up, and WHAM! I was thirty. I never even saw it coming.

Okay, well, I did, but...

So, what's been going on, you ask? What's that? You didn't ask? Well, who cares? I'm gonna tell it. If you don't want to know, you shouldn't have clicked.

Evie turned 2 a few days before I turned old. She's such a little diva, as you can see in my new profile pic. That's her birthday tiara. She tried wearing it as a mask at first. She just didn't get it. I guess that's why they labeled it "ages 3+". Amanda (my sister) and I spent part of my birthday making said "pincess" a pink & purple tutu to wear to her birthday party. It's oh-so cute! Pair it with the white onsie that I just embellished with an iron-on jeweled crown, and she's gonna be a hit for sure.

Emmit is still as funny as ever. He got a brand new bicycle for his birthday (still two weeks away), and he rides like a pro (still with training wheels). We let him pick his own helmet & he chose one that he can color on with special Crayola markers. It's decorated with all kinds of Emmit drawings. Lovely, I tell you.

Hmm...what else...

I had all of this funny, witty stuff that I wanted to blog about, but with my meds & my old age, they seemed to have slipped my mind.

I'm sure I'll think of something. Stay tuned...

I Swear I'm Buying A Sign

No one ever knocks on my door...EVER!

So, today, I'm sitting around the house, bra-less, hair unbrushed. The kids were running around in their undies & night shirts. The UPS man had already rang the door bell & sprinted back to his truck like a freakin' Olympian (thanks for the flowers, dear), but thankfully no one had seen us.

Then as the kids were eating lunch and I was sweeping the kitchen, the dog freaks out because apparently someone knocked quietly on the door. Why? Because apparently they can't see the doorbell or something...whatever.

Anyway, so I peek out the blinds & it's some little kid with a bottle of cleaner. "Wonderful", I think to myself, "it's those damn vacuum cleaner people. I'll just tell them I already have a Rainbow and be done with it." Easy enough!

Nope. She starts this prepared speech about hard water & mildew, and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know exactly how to shut her up. I cut her off..."We don't use chemicals to clean."

Satisfied with myself, I think she'll walk off.

Nope, the bitch squirts the shit on her finger and pops it in her mouth.

Guess who has a bottle sitting on the bar now?

Someone either needs to take my credit card or buy me a "No soliciting" sign.

$7

So, I never carry cash. I mean, really, who does these days? But on Valentine's Day, I went to the ATM and got some cash & then somehow ended up getting $7 & some loose change. Well, of course, the change ended up in the van, and then bills have been through hell in the past week. They've been washed, dried, folded, unfolded, thrown in the truck, kicked on the floor, put in a pocket, stuffed in a bag, and somehow ended up on the floor of the van.

Well this morning, I found my $7 folded neatly laying on the floor behind the passenger seat of the van, so I put in my pocket with my debit card. So, we did our shopping, again pushing aside that lonely $7 in favor of the plastic and started home.

We were almost home & Emmit started fussing that he was thirsty, so we decided to stop at a little gas station to get him a drink. As we were turning into the parking lot, I noticed that the front of the store looked funny. There seemed to be a new sign on the front. Wait...what's that say?

OMG...it can't be...

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!

Guess how much? Go ahead, guess....





$3.50 a box.




Guess whose fat ass bought 2 boxes of Thin Mints?

Fashion Faux Pas

Today when Evie went down for her nap, we decided to take advantage of being up two to one and start painting the master bedroom. Well, we changed into our painting clothes & got everything ready, which included opening the windows. Emmit was sitting in the chair watching TV, and he heard the stupid ice cream truck. UGH!

Well, you know how sounds are. It's hard to tell exactly where ye ol' ice cream man was, so we muted the TV to try to hear a bit better. It sounded like he was further out, so I decided to send Emmit in his room to look out the window. Well, wouldn't you know it...the damn ice cream truck was right at the end of the driveway.

So, we grab some money & run out the door, not even thinking about what we look like. And Mr. Smokes-Three-Packs-A-Day Driver drives off, and Emmit turns on the tears. Fabulous.

So, I think to myself, "Self, you have two choices...a) go inside & listen to him cry or b) run down the road, flailing arms like a mad woman & get the boy some ice cream.

I chose "b".

I swooped up the kid as he was shoeless, and we start jogging down the road. Yes, Suzi can run! Of course, I'm carrying an extra 42 lbs and I'm yelling at a complete stranger to "PLEASE TELL THAT ICE CREAM GUY TO WAIT".

Thankfully "stranger at stop sign" listened and ice cream man waited. Emmit was able to get his ice cream sandwich (which, BTW is a freakin' rip-off at $1.95, but that's a whole 'nother blog).

So, as I look at my satisfied little customer, I feel like such a great Mommy.

And then I feel the lime green painter's tape bracelet around my wrist & remember my outfit. A paint-splashed Jeff Davis Bank t-shirt (I don't think I've ever had an account there), Army-issue camo pants cutoff to capri length (also paint-splashed, complete with a few tape scraps stuck to the legs), and my ratty tennis shoes. Oh, and my hair pulled back in a Mommy tail.

Nice way to get to know the neighbors.

Look What I Made!

I couldn't resist...

On This Episode Of "When Good Outfits Go Bad"

It started out simple enough: a pink cloth diaper & a pink shirt. That's it. And then she disappered for a few minutes and emerged wearing so many layers that just looking at her made me sweat!

We'll start at the top: (1) Emmit's grey "Time-Out Club" shirt, backwards, of course; (2) a pink Levis onesie, inside out (& apparently upside down b/c the crotch snaps are coming out the neck hole at the back); (3) pink thermal "I Love Mommy" shirt that came out of the dirty clothes in the bathroom (yuck); (4) the pink shirt that I put on her. And the bottom: (1) Emmit's red boxer briefs; (2) the pink prefold-turned-butt-cape because the Snappi came undone!

The kid has on so many layers, she looks like a football player. And now she's screaming when I even mention that I'm going to change her clothes.

In Case We Had Any Doubts About His Manhood

Emmit is such a boy, and he made that perfectly clear as I was clipping his dirty little fingernails...

Exact quote:

"Momma, I need them to be shark so I can scratch my buttcrack."

Just A Funny

We have a toy wedged under the stove. But not just any toy...It's Marge Simpson. Every time you open the storage drawer to get a pan, she says, "Oh, Homey".

It's actually quite amusing.

The "I'm Mad At My Husband B/C He's Snoring Instead Of Watching LOST With Me" Blog

{disclaimer: I've already taken my meds, so I'm not responsible for typos}

We were supposed to stay up and watch LOST that we DVRd last night (yes, that's a verb now), but Doofus wasted too much time "just checking my email real quick", so now he's snoring & I'm not ready for bed.

Both kids are sick. It started out with fevers, then turned to puking. I made called the doc's office on Tuesday & made appointments for Thursday. Well, of course by Wednesday afternoon, they were both acting better (except for Evie's snot-induced puke in the middle of the night). Yesterday morning, Emmit started coughing pretty badly too, so I figured I may as well go anyway. Besides, I was already up. And you bet your ass if I'm up that early, someone better be going somehwhere.

So, after a freakin' battle with a kid whining, "Please, no! I just want to put my pajamas on and go back to bed", we finally got ready to go. And wouldn't you know, it was colder than a {insert stupid cliché here}. Well, if you know anything about my kids & me, you know we like to sleep in a bit, and apparently they've never gotten up early enough to see frost. Shit, I don't even remember the last time I've gotten up early enough to see frost. Emmit was like, "LOOK! IT SNOWED!" LMAO!

Anyway, so we drove to LC, stopping once for Emmit to pee in someone's parking lot. Yes, I let him whip it out in some parking lot. Why? Well, because some dick-lick was blocking the only available parking spot in front of the store, there was an 18-wheeler blocking the driveway so I couldn't turn around, and the sun was in my eyes. So, I just stopped in the most convenient spot & let him go.

So, we got to the doc's office with a few minutes to spare & I got the kids inside (dragging Emmit because he has doctor-phobia thanks to the emergency room jerks who tried to hold him down to administer some cough medicine). So, we sat in the waiting room for a bit, and I tried to calm his fears (this bad momma even told him that if they had to test anyone's blood, I'd make them do it on Evie instead of him).

Turns out, they just have a virus/cold. But Emmit is over his phobia! He let the doctor check out his ears & throat, and even talked to him a bit! Evie was a little less cooperative, but didn't cry or fight too much (I held her). When we left, Emmit said, "Momma, that was fun." LOL! Yeah...the same kid I had to DRAG across the parking lot said he had fun at the doctor's office. I did have to confiscate their tongue depressors in Breaux Bridge though. I told the doctor they were just going to make swords out of them! And the cough medicine has knocked Evie out, but Emmit is jumping on the bed watching whatever horrible show is on Noggin at 1AM. That shit must have red 40 in it!

So, after our CC appointment, we hung out in LC for a bit; did a little running around, and then had lunch with Amanda (and Allie) & Stephanie (and Thomas). The kids had a great time running around Cane's (yes, we ate fast food), and I had a great time having adult conversation. Appararently an unlisted side effect of dope-a-max is blabbermouthedness (Is that a word? if not, it is now!). It was awesome to see you ladies! Teressa, sorry we missed you!

The kids and I got home around 4, I doped them up, and we crashed for almost 3 hours. It was like heaven! The phone was the only interruption...well, besides Nathan coming in, but he knew better than to wake us up.

Oh, and I almost forgot...

When I was on the way home, at the 110/10 split, a moron in a silver Corolla cut me off. Oh, you know who you are, license plate starts with MMR. Well, I've committed your license plate to memory, right in there with R090307. I WILL not forget it (that one has been in there for 15+ years). If it happens again, I will run over you. k?thxbai

When Sleep Deprivation, Dosage Increases & Temporal Scan Thermometers Collide

Weird title, I know. Lots to explain. You have to read it all b/c the funny part is at the end.

Emmit started complaining yesterday that he wasn't feeling well. It started that he was tired & wanted to go to bed, which is weird for a kid who never wants to nap. Then I noticed that he felt warm. Yep...a 101.something fever. So, I finally persuaded him to be a big boy & take the Motrin, which is no easy feat. I felt so proud...for a brief moment...until his ultra-sensitive gag reflex kicked in. Yeah...then I needed a wardrobe change. After that we tried hiding the meds in tea & Dr. Pepper (which usually works), but he's no dummy. Thankfully, the fever went down on its own.

Evie seemed fine during all of this, but neither of them ate their dinner. Of course, they both scarfed down their pudding.

Well, when Nathan was getting Evie ready for bed, he noticed that she was feeling warm. Sure enough, her temp was 101.9. Well, she didn't give me any problems taking the meds, and she went straight to bed.

So, I stayed up doing my household crap...folding laundry, watching TV (shows that I actually like to HEAR), etc. Well, I think I'm about ready for bed, so I took my nightly meds, which included a dosage increase that I was NOT looking forward too. Sure enough, I soon got that drunk feeling, but I still couldn't go to sleep.

And when I finally got ready to go to bed, Emmit woke up. And he had a fever...again! By this time, it's hitting on 1:30, and I'm ready to drop. So, we (I woke Nathan up b/c he was sawing logs like a freakin' lumberjack) decided to try meds again. First in the Dr. Pepper. It's a no-go. Then in tea. Emmit drank about half of it, and then I got, "It tastes bad." By this time, it's 2 AM, and Nathan is snoring on the couch. I'm literally BEGGING the child to drink the damn tea & go to sleep. FINALLY, I give up & quit talking. A few seconds later, I don't know what happens, but the kid just turns the cup up & downs it. Weird...but whatever. Meds in=fever out. Go to sleep.

So, I vaguely remember hearing Evie cry once between 2AM & 6:30, but Nathan got up with her (or that may have been a dream).

At 6:30, I heard a whine, so I got up to go check on her. She was on her stomach with her head in the far corner of her crib. I felt of her back & she felt warm. Okay, so I'll go get the thermometer & check her temp. I push the button & the damn thing beeps like it's done. "68.9" WTF! I didn't even scan it! Again...push the button & it beeps. "68.9" Consistant, but again, WTF. So, I push the button, scan & it beeps. "Err". UGH! Push button, scan, "Err". Push button, scan, "Err". This whole time, I'm leaning over the edge of the crib trying not to fall in on top of the kid, but I didn't want to pick her up b/c she wasn't fully awake.

So, I push it again, scan, "95.8". Push button, scan, "95.8". Great...now it's telling me she's hypothermic. WHAT! Stupid POS! I can't believe it's 6:30 in the damn morning & I'm standing here in the dark with no glasses on & the stupid thermometer won't work.

Then I realize that the cap is still on.

Not So Girly, Is She?

Those who really know me will find the fact that I've been blessed with a girlie girl hilarious.

Well, Little miss Evangeline is totally into girlie things. She's all about clothes; a total shoe connoisseur. She loves to have her hair brushed, complete with barrettes. She loves baby dolls. She can make anything a purse. Just...girl stuff.

Well today, little Miss Evie did something that made even me, an anti-girlie girl, shudder.

I was making dinner & decided to take the kids out front to play with sidewalk chalk & ride the tricycles. So, Emmit was riding down the driveway & came running back up, telling me he saw a worm. I walked out there & I saw this thing (that had been run over) laying in the driveway. At first, I thought maybe it was a worm, but I got something & flipped it over & it was a snake. So, I was like, "Okay...it's a snake. Let's leave it for Daddy to move when he gets home." I HATE snakes.

So, we started playing up at the top of the drive by the garage. Well, Evie walked down to get the trike that Emmit had abandoned & I said, "Evie, don't step on the snake" without raising an alarm. I mean, it's little & dead, and I didn't want to scare her.

Well, what does Miss Thang do?

Reach down & PICK THE SNAKE UP! OH MY GOD!

I almost DIED!

When I yelled, "Evie, put that down!", she threw it as me!

Here's a pic of said slithery creature (sorry, he's as straight as he's getting...we're not touching him)...

Mommy could use a break!

Mommy's new migraine meds are making her feel drunk. Fun times!

"No" Means "No", Right?

As a mother, I constantly find myself saying the word "no". "No, you can't have a snack." "No, we can't play in the rain." "No, you can't play with that toy in the bathtub." Well, you get the idea.

And as the mother of a boy, it is my duty to teach him that when a girl says no, it means no.

But, in recent weeks months, I've come to realize that there are many, many instances when the word "no" means something entirely different...it means "yes".

Here are a few examples:

When your almost-two year old is standing beside you in the kitchen waving a sippy cup at you, and you ask, "Would you like something to drink?", "no" means "yes"

When your almost-four year old slaps his hand down over the front of his pants, and you ask, "Did you pee in your pants?", "no" means "yes"

When your almost-two year old is squatting in the middle of the kitchen making facing, and you ask, "Do you need a new diaper?", "no" doesn't always mean "yes". You can detemine the meaning of "no" on this occasion by two ways: (1) smell or (2) sight. Trust me on this one; smell is usually the preferred method because by the time you can see it, someone needs a bath & the carpet needs to be cleaned!

When your almost-four year old slips and says a curse words, and you say, "Did you just say 'shit'?", "no" means "yes"

Please note: There are MANY other instances when the word "no" actually means "yes". The blogger is not responsible for temper tantrums that erupt when the word is misinterpreted.

So, we did it! Well, sort of...

It's 2:12 AM on February 1 (insomnia is a bitch), and I am proud to say that we survived the entire month of January without setting foot in a fast-food joint! Now, I can't account for the whereabouts of the husband while away on business. As the saying goes, "What happens in Richmond..." Well, that's not quite how it goes, but you know what I mean. It's not like I could pack him a lunch.

Anyway, our journey for a restaurant-free January skidded to a halt just before the halfway point & ended with a total of 4 trips. I just shake my head and sigh when I think of the final tally. We were doing so well. Maybe February can be better?

Oh, and an even bigger, more personal accomplishment...

Since December 31, 2007, I have not injested a single sip of Dr. Pepper!

Restaurant-free January changed...

into fast food-free January. LOL! Oh, come on. You knew we couldn't stay away from restaurants for the whole month. Today's the 29th, and we've been out 3 times. Okay, no...4 times. {hangs head} Shameful.

Been A Few Days...Just An Update

So, the "journey" was interrupted by my husband. Damn him for making me eat out! We had a great meal though, and we haven't "slipped" since, so it's okay.

Incredibly, I still haven't had a Dr. Pepper. God knows I've been craving one like a mad-woman, but I haven't given in. I did, however take a sip of Emmit's Sprite the other day & tonight I bought myself one. BUT, I didn't drink the whole thing. It was way too fizzy & burned on the way down! UGH!

Tonight we went bowling with some friends. We had a great time! We definitely need to get out more.

Oh, and did I mention that it is damn cold? I shiver just thinking about it!

It's All HIs Fault

Damn Nathan & his tempting ways. After 13 days restaurant-free, the jerk made me go out to dinner. LOL! I will resist the temptation to eat the ice cream in the freezer though.

On a happier note, I still haven't had a Dr. Pepper! I'm so proud! Now I need to get off my fat ass and go run.

Still On This Long Journey

Can you believe it. 12 days into January, and the kids and I still haven't been to a restaurant. And what's even more amazing? I haven't had a Dr. Pepper!

What a freakin' day!

So, after only 3.5 short hours of sleep, the alarm went off this morning at 7. Okay, I know 7 isn't all that early for some, but for me, it's pretty damn early.

So, I got my lazy ass up and stumbled to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I brushed my teeth & washed my face. Then I saw that my hair was a freakin' mess. So, I decided to hop in the shower. Jumped out, and by that time it's hitting on 7:30. I put on some makeup & got my clothes on. I made a mental note to do laundry, as I was forced to wear a nursing bra. WTH? I haven't nursed in well over a year & a half. But it's the only one clean that will tame these puppies.

As I was dressing, I remembered that I needed to load the stroller in the van. Then I remembered that the last time we used the stroller, I had commented that I was going to take the canopy off & leave it at home b/c it got in the kids' way. So, I dug around for a screwdriver (which sounds a lot easier than it is) and went to the garage. When I finally got the damn stroller down off of its too-small hooks, I realized that I didn't even need the stupid screwdriver. So, canopy off; stroller in van. WOW! That van's a freakin' mess. Then I spent the next 5 minutes cleaning out the van.

Back inside. Time to wake the kidlets. Evie woke up as soon as I opened the door & gave me a you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look. She was all smiles by the time I got her diaper changed. I put her down to go wake up Emmit. He was much easier than I expected.

Then was the great breakfast debate. Waffles? Pancakes? Toast? Cereal? We finally settled on crescent rolls (the kind in the can). So, I put them on the pan & decided that while the oven was preheating, I'd find them some clothes. Then came the great sock hunt. Finally found everything for everyone. I even got their shoes & jackets ready.

Crescents in the oven. Let's pack the diaper bag. Wait...where is the diaper bag? In the van? No, I would have seen it while I was cleaning. I know I brought it in. Search Emmit's room, Evie's room, master bedroom, both bathrooms, living room & dining room. No bag. Where the hell is it? Do another sweep, this time with a little helper. Well, you know when they say "looked high & low"? Well, apparently I was only looking low. Found...1 diaper bag on top shelf in closet. Hmm...great idea until you forget where it is. Wait...what's that smell?!

Thankfully breakfast wasn't a total loss; just a little brown. Feed the kids, find my shoes, wipe the kids off. While wiping Evie, I realize she has a mysterious rash around her mouth. Fan-freakin'-tastic. Pick her up. Great...now Momma has to change shirts. Coverless prefold+urine=wet Momma hip.

I got her changed & ready. Then it was Emmit's turn. Pants - check; shirt - check (even thought that's NOT the one he wanted to wear); socks - check; shoes - check...no wait, where's the other shoe? I know I had it around here somewhere. We spent the next 5 minutes searching low AND high for the shoe. Turns out it was on the couch under the pillow I was leaning on.

Great...now it's 8:35. We're 5 minutes late. Everyone to the van! After getting Evie in, and begging Emmit to put his harness on, I decided to do it myself. "Put your arms down, kid. The harness won't fit with your arms above your head. No, stop! Put Woody down for a second & put your arm in." UGH!

I got in the van, and realized I forgot my sunglasses inside. Mommy back in the house. Oh, I forgot to lock the back door after letting the dog back in. Oh, and the butter is still sitting on the counter. What did I do with my keys (hanging in the door). Now, what was I looking for? Sunglasses clip. Found it. Out! Wait...forgot to change shirts! Back inside for a quick change. Then out...again.

I opened the garage & started the van. Backing out I hear "THUMP". Well, shit. What did I hit? Oh, just the mirror. Flip it back & we're on our way...now 15 minutes late!

We get to O'neal & some asshole in a Save-a-lot truck decided that he owns the road and the "60 mph strictly enforced" sign does not apply to him. He was whipping in and out of traffic. Okay, now I'm stuck in the outside lane w/ramp traffic coming on and nowhere to go b/c jerkwad is riding my bumper & there's a car in the other lane doing like 12. So, these two big trucks loaded w/some sort of construction equipment fly onto the interstate and try to get all the way over to the inside lane.

All of a sudden, I hear WAP! "Oh, you better be glad that rock didn't break my window, you stupid son-of-a-... WAP! Oh, you asshole! You broke my windshield." Then I hear, "Momma, don't say asshole." LMAO!

The Old Navy trip was a success. $81 spent for $341 worth of clothes. Then we hit the other Target for a few things.

When we got back to Denham, I spent the next 30 minutes driving up & down Range looking for a windshield repair place. My husband's directions..."Yeah...there's one on Range...somewhere." Yeah, genius. Range runs the entire length of the freakin' city. I'm not driving all the way to Watson hunting for a place. I got just past Antique Village & turned around. I passed two places on the way home, so I turned around & got it repaired without ever leaving the car!

Things are looking up now. Evie's asleep. Emmit's not being overly bad (just bad), and I got FLUFFY MAIL! I love fluffy mail. A new sustainableBabyish flat & snappi from Diaperswappers!

AH! I Can't Sleep!

It's 12:55, and I'm wide awake. I swear when I went to bed (almost 3 hours ago), I was so tired I could barely hold my head up. Emmit kept talking, and then I had to watch Grey's, which, pardon the blasphemy, is getting irritatingly old. That old Meredith/Derek thing is getting old.

And now, my 3 loves have collided. Food, television, and the internet. Yeah...I'm watching "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", typing a blog...and I just finished my turkey sandwich. LOL!

Emmit's fast asleep, drooling on my pillow. The damn dog is doing her usual - licking. The baby finally gave it up after 2 hours of fussing/crying/talking to the dolls.

Damn! Why am I sleepless on the night before a big sale? LOL! I'm sure my husband (and my pocketbook) would be pleased if I overslept.

My foot's asleep. Least something's getting some rest.

Ramblings of a mommy on the edge

Day 1: Wednesday

Nathan's out of town, which in itself isn't all that bad, but that whole staying-home-with-the-kids-'round-the-clock thing is driving me batty.

I feel like I've been washing dishes all day. I knew I kept the big guy around for something;) As soon as I get everything cleaned up, someone NEEDS a drink. Well, you know what? I could use a drink...a good stiff one. And maybe a cigarette or three. Problem is, I don't drink much, so there's nothing in the house, and I quit smoking long ago. Maybe I'll find another means to relax.

Relax? humph...there's a novel idea. I tried to relax earlier, but my idea of relaxing these days is using the bathroom without an audience. That doesn't happen much because I forget to lock the door & both of the kidlets can open the door.

OMG! How much can this kid eat? "Momma, I want Pops." "Momma, I want a jelly sangwich." "Momma, can I have a piece of cheese?" You'd swear I never freakin' feed him. And why does his hunger wait until after the dishes are done? I keep hoping that I'll look over and find him sleeping, but that ain't happenin'.

I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow we'll do something fun. I have a feeling I'd have to take the interstate to get to the zoo, as my husband's directions are exactly Suzi-friendly. I mean, HELLO! At least write where I can read. What is it with men & their bad handwriting? Is it biological? Excessive testosterone=bad handwriting?

Finally Found The Source Of The Problem

So, tonight after the big game (GEAUX TIGERS), I soaked in my nightly bath & went to bed. I knew I couldn't sleep, so I watched 2 episodes of a show I had recorded & then turned out the light. Well, I just tossed & turned for a while. So, I decided to put my insomnia to good use. I was gonna clean the kitchen!

So, I got to it! We had cleaned up after dinner, but our nightly drink glasses & the kids' cups were in the sink. And the bar was its usually junk pile, so there was definitely work to do. I started cleaning the bar & found a few things that should go on the sewing table. So, I gathered it all up & went over to the sewing table.

Well, wouldn't you know...the sewing table was a freakin' mess. So, I started straightening it. Wait, what's that? A train? Well, that goes in Emmit's room.

I walk through the living room towards Emmit's room & see a few other things that belong in there. I pick those up & turn on his light. Holy messy room, batman! So, I deposit the train & few things where they belong and get to picking up Mr. Potato Head...for the hundredth time today. I get his room almost clean & I spot a sippy cup under the edge of the bed. Well, that goes in the kitchen!

Off to the kitchen where my sink of hot soapy water was sitting. Wash the dishes. Start cleaning the counters. Find scissors...back to sewing table. Back to kitchen...find more trains. Back to Emmit's room.

AHHH! All this time I've been blaming the kids. Can we say 'adult ADD'?

Now...what am I doing up?

Journey More Difficult Than Anticipated

Yeah...this is much harder than I would have guessed. We're only on day 6, and already, I'm sick of cooking. And what's worse is that stupid me decided to not only swear off of restaurants, but also off of Dr. Pepper. WTF was I thinking?

Does a cooked chicken from WM or Target count as a restaurant? Yeah...that's what I was afraid of.

The Journey Continues

Another restaurant-free day here. Man, this is tougher than I though. We slept through breakfast (I know, you're envious that my kids are lazy), so we just had lunch & a snack. Yummy corndogs (blech) for lunch & yogurt for a snack. Dinner was tacos, complete with organic lettuce & tomato. Too bad there was enough crap in the hamburger meat & boxed taco kit to totally overpower the organic goodness.

Mommy definitely needs a break!

So, I decided to play super mom today and really clean one room in the house. Like big, deep cleaning. I picked the master bath, because, let's face it, it needed cleaning. Not that it was disgusting, but the counter was cluttered & I'm pretty sure the drawings with tub crayons had been there for a while.

So, I got my gear & started cleaning. I scrubbed the toilet, the tub, the shower, and even wiped down the baseboards! The kids came in and were chased out a few times. Well, when I triumphantly emerged, I found a freakin' mess! Maybe I should just let the pics do the talking...

I'll give this one to Evie...



This goes to Emmit, though.



A tablespoon and Nesquick (what's with this kid & powdered drink mixes?)...




Eating spaghetti Os (and rubbing it on her face, clothes, and a puzzle)


The only reason Emmit's room survived the mayhem was because apparently someone locked the door by accident. Would I be a bad mother if I said I wish they had been on the other side of the door?

The Journey Begins

Our journey through a restaurant-free January has begun. Yesterday , it was oh-so tempting to go to BK or MCD for a quick lunch or pick up something on the way home for dinner.

We got a late start yesterday, so we at breakfast (bacon, eggs, toast) around 10:30. We talked briefly about heading to the grocery store, but decided to wait until after lunch. We took down the Christmas crap instead.

So, after that, we ate lunch (ramen noodles...yum) and sat around a little too long. Then when we finally made it to Target for groceries, the kids were getting hungry, tired, and super cranky. It wasn't easy to resist the temptation of Chick Fil A, but we managed.

Oh, and I haven't had a Dr. Pepper since New Year's Eve. That in itself could be a whole blog.