Just Gonna Shake My Head & Post This One...

Said as Emmit was changing out of wet clothes into dry undies & shorts:

"I need to hurry or people will see my naked ass and giggle."

Ask The Expert: Where Do Babies Come From?

Emmit is OBSESSED with babies! He keeps saying we need another one (no comment). So, we've talked a lot about how babies get here, but didn't really think he paid that much attention. Apparently we were wrong.

This past weekend, we had another conversation about babies, and it went a little something like this:

Emmit: We need another baby!

{daddy swerves into oncoming traffic}

momma: Where would we get another baby?

Emmit: Out of your tummy!

momma: Well, there's no baby in my tummy!

Emmit: {rolls eyes} I know. We need to go to the baby center, and they'll put one in. And then it grows & grows. And then you go to the hospital & the doctor will take it out.

momma: Oh! Well, do you know how the doctor gets the baby out?

Emmit: Yeah. It comes out of your bagina.

{momma chokes & daddy swerves into oncoming traffic again}

momma: Oh, okay. {changes subject}

Flash forward to tonight & the subject gets back on babies. I ask if he wants a boy or girl, and he says a girl. Then I ask who has the baby...the momma or the daddy.

He doesn't even have to think about it. He says, "Mommas, silly!"

So, I ask, "Why can't daddy's have babies?", totally expecting to get a gross anatomy lesson.

He says, "Because daddy's have hair on their bellies and it's GROSS!"

I Told You She Was Funny Too!

Emmit recently discovered that he likes to eat uncooked spaghetti. Talk about al dente! Totally grosses me out, but whatever.

Well, today, he grabbed a handful and decided to be nice & share with Evie.

She took a big bite, smiled, and said, "Mmmm...toasty."

If you think she's seen the Quizno's commercial one too many times, raise your hand!

Can You Name That Band?

We try to expose the kids to all types of music. I grew up listening to every kind of music, and I think it's important. I don't let them listen to music that's full of cursing, but I don't change the radio station constantly and I'm certainly not going to listen to kiddie music all day.

Often times I mention a particual group's name when a song comes on. One evening, I did this in a restaurant's restroom as I was changing Evie. Later in the car, we hear another song by this same group, and I mentioned it again. So now, I make sure I mention it everytime we hear one of their songs.

Yesterday, as we were driving to Home Depot, Emmit said, "Man, I hope the Hot Chili Dogs come on".

Close, pal.

Can you name that band? LMAO!

Ten Bucks Says You Can't Guess Where UDBD Was At Bedtime!

First, in case you don’t know who U.D.B.D. (pronounced oo-dee-boo-dee) is, let me tell you. She’s Evie’s "Ugly Dirty Baby Doll" who gets carried everywhere. Santa brought her to live at Mad House in Decemeber. Evie didn’t like her at first, but after a few weeks, she started carrying her everywhere, including the yard, the park, the store, her bithday party, the dining table, etc.

Suffice it to say, U.D.B.D. (Evie calls her "Booty") is quite gross. I occasionally sneak up behind her unexectedly, put a pillow over her head like a kidnapper, and throw her in the washing machine.

Anyway, Evie doesn’t like to sleep without this disgusting heap of stuffing & plastic. So, last night, as I threw little Miss E in her crib last night, she started asking for her Booty. "Where my Booty?" So, I told her to lay still and I’d go find U.D.B.D.

Commence the search party. I enlisted both Big Daddy and E-man as helpers, and we searched the kitchen, dining room, living room, foyer, Emmit’s room, both bathrooms, master bedroom, Evie’s room, laundry room...no U.D.B.D.

This whole time, Evie is in her crib, calling "Booty, where are you?" or "Booty, come here!" So, I went in, got her out, and told her to go find Booty. So, little Miss E joins in the search. She looks everywhere, calling for Booty the whole time.

We searched EVERYWHERE we could think of. Under couch cushions, in cabinets, in garbage cans, in laundry baskets, in toy boxes, under beds, under tables, in drawers (Emmit even checked the junk drawer).

Can anyone guess where U.D.B.D was?

Anyone?

Come on?

Nathan found her...

Not sure why he even thought to look there...

Still can’t guess?

She was zipped up in the laptop case.

Cloud Maker

Driving along to Grandma & Paw-paw’s house, we pass a wood-chip plant (or so my husband says it is). This plant has four huge smoke stacks, and when we passed early Saturday morning, all four stacks were billowing.

Emmit was staring out the window & noticed the smoke plumes, and exclaimed, "LOOK! They are putting up clouds!"

Earning Her Keep

I try to make my bed before my little helper wakes up in the morning, but this morning, I slept late because I was up and down with Emmit quite a bit last night. So this morning, Evie was up when I was making the bed.

As I was trying to arrange the pillows just so on the bed (hey, it’s new...it needs to look perfect for a little while), Evie started BANGING on the keyboard on the computer.

I turned around and said, "Evie, you better stop that!"

She looked at me, oh so seriously, and said, "No, Momma! I working!"

Real Men Take Pink Showers!

They’ve been cleaning out the pond behind our house that was overrun with some sort of plant. Well, my husband was kind enough to warn me that this cleaning may scare up a few snakes. I’m not stupid; I’ve seen snakes. So, I decided to keep the kids indoors Monday instead of risking coming across a snake in the backyard. We’ve already seen that Evie isn’t scared of a dead one, so I’m not sure if she’d be scared of a live one.

Well, I forgot about April Fool’s day. Most days I don’t even remember what day it is, much less the date! Shit, I can’t even remember to take two pills by myself without having a damn calender on the fridge, and even then I still forget them. So, of course, anyone would be able to pull one over on me.

Enter Nathan and his April Fool’s phone call:

Him: "Hey, I told you them cleaning the pond was gonna scare all the snakes in the yard. There was a big one in the front yard this morning!"

Me: "Really?"

Him: "Yeah! It was big!"

Me: "Ew! What did you do?"

Him: "Well, I killed it...duh."

Me: "How? What did you do with it?"

Him: "With a shovel. And then I threw it in the pond."

Me: "Yuck! How big was it?"

Him: "I don’t know. Maybe 4 or 5 feet. I think it was a water moccasin."

Me: "Ew...where was it?"

Him: "Laying by the garden gnome."

Me: "Oh fabulous. Now I won’t even be able to walk out the front door!"

Him: ::giggle:: "April Fool’s"

Me: "Oh, you asshole! That’s not even funny!"

So, all day long I was pissed that a) he got me, and b) I couldn’t think of a way to get him. Last year all of these women online had all of these ideas on how to prank their husbands and I thought that they were so cruel. But as the day wore on, one idea kept seeming better and better.

And as I was talking to Whitney on the phone, the idea seemed perfect. I ran it by her, and she agreed!

So, after a quick phone call to Rudy-to-the-Rescue (thanks dad), I gathered my supples: a step ladder, a pipe wrench, and one hot pink Easter egg dye tablet. Then I headed to the scene of the crime: the master bathroom shower stall!

I locked myself in there because I knew that Emmit would tell on me. I can just hear it now: "Daddy, mommy took the shower apart!" So, after a little cussing, I finally got the shower head off and dropped my hot pink Easter egg dye tablet in! Then I reassemble, wiped up any evidence, and put my tools away.

Then I just sat and waited! After the new picnic table was assembled & the plywood was laid in the attic, I was certain he’d need a shower before bed!

Sure enough, at 11 PM, he headed for the bathroom, and I stood in wait, giggling outside the bathroom door. It didn’t go off exactly as planned (I hoped it wouldn’t dissolve until he got IN the shower, but apparently there was water in the shower head that I forgot to dump), but he still got a shock! When he turned on the knob, PINK WATER came shooting out at him. I heard "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?"

April Fool’s to you too, asshole!