I Swear I'm Buying A Sign

No one ever knocks on my door...EVER!

So, today, I'm sitting around the house, bra-less, hair unbrushed. The kids were running around in their undies & night shirts. The UPS man had already rang the door bell & sprinted back to his truck like a freakin' Olympian (thanks for the flowers, dear), but thankfully no one had seen us.

Then as the kids were eating lunch and I was sweeping the kitchen, the dog freaks out because apparently someone knocked quietly on the door. Why? Because apparently they can't see the doorbell or something...whatever.

Anyway, so I peek out the blinds & it's some little kid with a bottle of cleaner. "Wonderful", I think to myself, "it's those damn vacuum cleaner people. I'll just tell them I already have a Rainbow and be done with it." Easy enough!

Nope. She starts this prepared speech about hard water & mildew, and I can hardly contain my excitement. I know exactly how to shut her up. I cut her off..."We don't use chemicals to clean."

Satisfied with myself, I think she'll walk off.

Nope, the bitch squirts the shit on her finger and pops it in her mouth.

Guess who has a bottle sitting on the bar now?

Someone either needs to take my credit card or buy me a "No soliciting" sign.

$7

So, I never carry cash. I mean, really, who does these days? But on Valentine's Day, I went to the ATM and got some cash & then somehow ended up getting $7 & some loose change. Well, of course, the change ended up in the van, and then bills have been through hell in the past week. They've been washed, dried, folded, unfolded, thrown in the truck, kicked on the floor, put in a pocket, stuffed in a bag, and somehow ended up on the floor of the van.

Well this morning, I found my $7 folded neatly laying on the floor behind the passenger seat of the van, so I put in my pocket with my debit card. So, we did our shopping, again pushing aside that lonely $7 in favor of the plastic and started home.

We were almost home & Emmit started fussing that he was thirsty, so we decided to stop at a little gas station to get him a drink. As we were turning into the parking lot, I noticed that the front of the store looked funny. There seemed to be a new sign on the front. Wait...what's that say?

OMG...it can't be...

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!

Guess how much? Go ahead, guess....





$3.50 a box.




Guess whose fat ass bought 2 boxes of Thin Mints?

Fashion Faux Pas

Today when Evie went down for her nap, we decided to take advantage of being up two to one and start painting the master bedroom. Well, we changed into our painting clothes & got everything ready, which included opening the windows. Emmit was sitting in the chair watching TV, and he heard the stupid ice cream truck. UGH!

Well, you know how sounds are. It's hard to tell exactly where ye ol' ice cream man was, so we muted the TV to try to hear a bit better. It sounded like he was further out, so I decided to send Emmit in his room to look out the window. Well, wouldn't you know it...the damn ice cream truck was right at the end of the driveway.

So, we grab some money & run out the door, not even thinking about what we look like. And Mr. Smokes-Three-Packs-A-Day Driver drives off, and Emmit turns on the tears. Fabulous.

So, I think to myself, "Self, you have two choices...a) go inside & listen to him cry or b) run down the road, flailing arms like a mad woman & get the boy some ice cream.

I chose "b".

I swooped up the kid as he was shoeless, and we start jogging down the road. Yes, Suzi can run! Of course, I'm carrying an extra 42 lbs and I'm yelling at a complete stranger to "PLEASE TELL THAT ICE CREAM GUY TO WAIT".

Thankfully "stranger at stop sign" listened and ice cream man waited. Emmit was able to get his ice cream sandwich (which, BTW is a freakin' rip-off at $1.95, but that's a whole 'nother blog).

So, as I look at my satisfied little customer, I feel like such a great Mommy.

And then I feel the lime green painter's tape bracelet around my wrist & remember my outfit. A paint-splashed Jeff Davis Bank t-shirt (I don't think I've ever had an account there), Army-issue camo pants cutoff to capri length (also paint-splashed, complete with a few tape scraps stuck to the legs), and my ratty tennis shoes. Oh, and my hair pulled back in a Mommy tail.

Nice way to get to know the neighbors.

Look What I Made!

I couldn't resist...

On This Episode Of "When Good Outfits Go Bad"

It started out simple enough: a pink cloth diaper & a pink shirt. That's it. And then she disappered for a few minutes and emerged wearing so many layers that just looking at her made me sweat!

We'll start at the top: (1) Emmit's grey "Time-Out Club" shirt, backwards, of course; (2) a pink Levis onesie, inside out (& apparently upside down b/c the crotch snaps are coming out the neck hole at the back); (3) pink thermal "I Love Mommy" shirt that came out of the dirty clothes in the bathroom (yuck); (4) the pink shirt that I put on her. And the bottom: (1) Emmit's red boxer briefs; (2) the pink prefold-turned-butt-cape because the Snappi came undone!

The kid has on so many layers, she looks like a football player. And now she's screaming when I even mention that I'm going to change her clothes.

In Case We Had Any Doubts About His Manhood

Emmit is such a boy, and he made that perfectly clear as I was clipping his dirty little fingernails...

Exact quote:

"Momma, I need them to be shark so I can scratch my buttcrack."

Just A Funny

We have a toy wedged under the stove. But not just any toy...It's Marge Simpson. Every time you open the storage drawer to get a pan, she says, "Oh, Homey".

It's actually quite amusing.

The "I'm Mad At My Husband B/C He's Snoring Instead Of Watching LOST With Me" Blog

{disclaimer: I've already taken my meds, so I'm not responsible for typos}

We were supposed to stay up and watch LOST that we DVRd last night (yes, that's a verb now), but Doofus wasted too much time "just checking my email real quick", so now he's snoring & I'm not ready for bed.

Both kids are sick. It started out with fevers, then turned to puking. I made called the doc's office on Tuesday & made appointments for Thursday. Well, of course by Wednesday afternoon, they were both acting better (except for Evie's snot-induced puke in the middle of the night). Yesterday morning, Emmit started coughing pretty badly too, so I figured I may as well go anyway. Besides, I was already up. And you bet your ass if I'm up that early, someone better be going somehwhere.

So, after a freakin' battle with a kid whining, "Please, no! I just want to put my pajamas on and go back to bed", we finally got ready to go. And wouldn't you know, it was colder than a {insert stupid cliché here}. Well, if you know anything about my kids & me, you know we like to sleep in a bit, and apparently they've never gotten up early enough to see frost. Shit, I don't even remember the last time I've gotten up early enough to see frost. Emmit was like, "LOOK! IT SNOWED!" LMAO!

Anyway, so we drove to LC, stopping once for Emmit to pee in someone's parking lot. Yes, I let him whip it out in some parking lot. Why? Well, because some dick-lick was blocking the only available parking spot in front of the store, there was an 18-wheeler blocking the driveway so I couldn't turn around, and the sun was in my eyes. So, I just stopped in the most convenient spot & let him go.

So, we got to the doc's office with a few minutes to spare & I got the kids inside (dragging Emmit because he has doctor-phobia thanks to the emergency room jerks who tried to hold him down to administer some cough medicine). So, we sat in the waiting room for a bit, and I tried to calm his fears (this bad momma even told him that if they had to test anyone's blood, I'd make them do it on Evie instead of him).

Turns out, they just have a virus/cold. But Emmit is over his phobia! He let the doctor check out his ears & throat, and even talked to him a bit! Evie was a little less cooperative, but didn't cry or fight too much (I held her). When we left, Emmit said, "Momma, that was fun." LOL! Yeah...the same kid I had to DRAG across the parking lot said he had fun at the doctor's office. I did have to confiscate their tongue depressors in Breaux Bridge though. I told the doctor they were just going to make swords out of them! And the cough medicine has knocked Evie out, but Emmit is jumping on the bed watching whatever horrible show is on Noggin at 1AM. That shit must have red 40 in it!

So, after our CC appointment, we hung out in LC for a bit; did a little running around, and then had lunch with Amanda (and Allie) & Stephanie (and Thomas). The kids had a great time running around Cane's (yes, we ate fast food), and I had a great time having adult conversation. Appararently an unlisted side effect of dope-a-max is blabbermouthedness (Is that a word? if not, it is now!). It was awesome to see you ladies! Teressa, sorry we missed you!

The kids and I got home around 4, I doped them up, and we crashed for almost 3 hours. It was like heaven! The phone was the only interruption...well, besides Nathan coming in, but he knew better than to wake us up.

Oh, and I almost forgot...

When I was on the way home, at the 110/10 split, a moron in a silver Corolla cut me off. Oh, you know who you are, license plate starts with MMR. Well, I've committed your license plate to memory, right in there with R090307. I WILL not forget it (that one has been in there for 15+ years). If it happens again, I will run over you. k?thxbai

When Sleep Deprivation, Dosage Increases & Temporal Scan Thermometers Collide

Weird title, I know. Lots to explain. You have to read it all b/c the funny part is at the end.

Emmit started complaining yesterday that he wasn't feeling well. It started that he was tired & wanted to go to bed, which is weird for a kid who never wants to nap. Then I noticed that he felt warm. Yep...a 101.something fever. So, I finally persuaded him to be a big boy & take the Motrin, which is no easy feat. I felt so proud...for a brief moment...until his ultra-sensitive gag reflex kicked in. Yeah...then I needed a wardrobe change. After that we tried hiding the meds in tea & Dr. Pepper (which usually works), but he's no dummy. Thankfully, the fever went down on its own.

Evie seemed fine during all of this, but neither of them ate their dinner. Of course, they both scarfed down their pudding.

Well, when Nathan was getting Evie ready for bed, he noticed that she was feeling warm. Sure enough, her temp was 101.9. Well, she didn't give me any problems taking the meds, and she went straight to bed.

So, I stayed up doing my household crap...folding laundry, watching TV (shows that I actually like to HEAR), etc. Well, I think I'm about ready for bed, so I took my nightly meds, which included a dosage increase that I was NOT looking forward too. Sure enough, I soon got that drunk feeling, but I still couldn't go to sleep.

And when I finally got ready to go to bed, Emmit woke up. And he had a fever...again! By this time, it's hitting on 1:30, and I'm ready to drop. So, we (I woke Nathan up b/c he was sawing logs like a freakin' lumberjack) decided to try meds again. First in the Dr. Pepper. It's a no-go. Then in tea. Emmit drank about half of it, and then I got, "It tastes bad." By this time, it's 2 AM, and Nathan is snoring on the couch. I'm literally BEGGING the child to drink the damn tea & go to sleep. FINALLY, I give up & quit talking. A few seconds later, I don't know what happens, but the kid just turns the cup up & downs it. Weird...but whatever. Meds in=fever out. Go to sleep.

So, I vaguely remember hearing Evie cry once between 2AM & 6:30, but Nathan got up with her (or that may have been a dream).

At 6:30, I heard a whine, so I got up to go check on her. She was on her stomach with her head in the far corner of her crib. I felt of her back & she felt warm. Okay, so I'll go get the thermometer & check her temp. I push the button & the damn thing beeps like it's done. "68.9" WTF! I didn't even scan it! Again...push the button & it beeps. "68.9" Consistant, but again, WTF. So, I push the button, scan & it beeps. "Err". UGH! Push button, scan, "Err". Push button, scan, "Err". This whole time, I'm leaning over the edge of the crib trying not to fall in on top of the kid, but I didn't want to pick her up b/c she wasn't fully awake.

So, I push it again, scan, "95.8". Push button, scan, "95.8". Great...now it's telling me she's hypothermic. WHAT! Stupid POS! I can't believe it's 6:30 in the damn morning & I'm standing here in the dark with no glasses on & the stupid thermometer won't work.

Then I realize that the cap is still on.

Not So Girly, Is She?

Those who really know me will find the fact that I've been blessed with a girlie girl hilarious.

Well, Little miss Evangeline is totally into girlie things. She's all about clothes; a total shoe connoisseur. She loves to have her hair brushed, complete with barrettes. She loves baby dolls. She can make anything a purse. Just...girl stuff.

Well today, little Miss Evie did something that made even me, an anti-girlie girl, shudder.

I was making dinner & decided to take the kids out front to play with sidewalk chalk & ride the tricycles. So, Emmit was riding down the driveway & came running back up, telling me he saw a worm. I walked out there & I saw this thing (that had been run over) laying in the driveway. At first, I thought maybe it was a worm, but I got something & flipped it over & it was a snake. So, I was like, "Okay...it's a snake. Let's leave it for Daddy to move when he gets home." I HATE snakes.

So, we started playing up at the top of the drive by the garage. Well, Evie walked down to get the trike that Emmit had abandoned & I said, "Evie, don't step on the snake" without raising an alarm. I mean, it's little & dead, and I didn't want to scare her.

Well, what does Miss Thang do?

Reach down & PICK THE SNAKE UP! OH MY GOD!

I almost DIED!

When I yelled, "Evie, put that down!", she threw it as me!

Here's a pic of said slithery creature (sorry, he's as straight as he's getting...we're not touching him)...

Mommy could use a break!

Mommy's new migraine meds are making her feel drunk. Fun times!

"No" Means "No", Right?

As a mother, I constantly find myself saying the word "no". "No, you can't have a snack." "No, we can't play in the rain." "No, you can't play with that toy in the bathtub." Well, you get the idea.

And as the mother of a boy, it is my duty to teach him that when a girl says no, it means no.

But, in recent weeks months, I've come to realize that there are many, many instances when the word "no" means something entirely different...it means "yes".

Here are a few examples:

When your almost-two year old is standing beside you in the kitchen waving a sippy cup at you, and you ask, "Would you like something to drink?", "no" means "yes"

When your almost-four year old slaps his hand down over the front of his pants, and you ask, "Did you pee in your pants?", "no" means "yes"

When your almost-two year old is squatting in the middle of the kitchen making facing, and you ask, "Do you need a new diaper?", "no" doesn't always mean "yes". You can detemine the meaning of "no" on this occasion by two ways: (1) smell or (2) sight. Trust me on this one; smell is usually the preferred method because by the time you can see it, someone needs a bath & the carpet needs to be cleaned!

When your almost-four year old slips and says a curse words, and you say, "Did you just say 'shit'?", "no" means "yes"

Please note: There are MANY other instances when the word "no" actually means "yes". The blogger is not responsible for temper tantrums that erupt when the word is misinterpreted.

So, we did it! Well, sort of...

It's 2:12 AM on February 1 (insomnia is a bitch), and I am proud to say that we survived the entire month of January without setting foot in a fast-food joint! Now, I can't account for the whereabouts of the husband while away on business. As the saying goes, "What happens in Richmond..." Well, that's not quite how it goes, but you know what I mean. It's not like I could pack him a lunch.

Anyway, our journey for a restaurant-free January skidded to a halt just before the halfway point & ended with a total of 4 trips. I just shake my head and sigh when I think of the final tally. We were doing so well. Maybe February can be better?

Oh, and an even bigger, more personal accomplishment...

Since December 31, 2007, I have not injested a single sip of Dr. Pepper!